"Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators"

This one gets my vote:

"IT was a tough act to follow but we feel we have caught the spirit of Martin Creed’s Turner entry entitled Work 227: The Lights Going On And Off.

Our version shows a fluorescent light that is sometimes on and sometimes off, depending on the time of day.

Remarkable for its very ordinariness, Work 1 captures the essence of onness and – it goes without saying – offness.

Future projects, which promise to be just as artistically exciting and stimulating, include Work 2: Telly Goes On And Off, Work 3: Hoover Goes On And Off, and Work 4: Electricity Bill Goes Up And Up."

"Chelsea Clinton has admitted she is finding it hard to cope at Oxford University because of anti-American feeling."

Ken on the other hand...

9/11/01 - I've added an archive page.  Now you can visit my older entries more easily.  The little summaries for each page are only a few of the topics available.  For more complete information on what my site contains you'll need to use the search engine.

8/11/01 - Shock, horror, students aren't clean and tidy.

8/11/01 - I like the headline 'Give me Churchill, not Burchill':

"Almost the worst thing about the bleating critics is their imperviousness to reason and complete lack of the intellectual humility needed to recognise that one may have been wrong. In the spring of 1999, I was one of those who deplored the bombing of Serbia. Elementary observation now suggests that Serb forces are no longer terrorising Kosovo, that Serbia is returning to something like democracy and that Milosevic is on trial. Would that have happened if we had dropped John Pilger, Julie Burchill and Simon Jenkins on Belgrade (tempting as that thought is)?"

"I met Tony Parsons recently and asked him what he thought about his ex-wife now. "The fact that she had no contact with our son when he was growing up, not even a birthday card, a Christmas card, is to me unforgivable," he said. "I have no respect for her. She is a cruel, stupid coward." Did he have a point? "I hate Parsons," Burchill says flatly. "A very jealous man. He tried to turn me into an infant. I was so infantilised. He took me to Essex and made sure I couldn't do anything for myself.""

8/11/01 - I wish I knew which restaurant this refers to:

"Here are a pair of restaurateurs writing to the Sheffield evening paper, the Star, taking exception to a review by the food critic: "He has no qualification in catering or restaurant management, and we feel he had no right to write such a damning article without our permission or prior notification.""

"Their letter ends: "We invite Mr Dawes [the critic] to come again, announced, and see what good food really is. Then we will take great pleasure in throwing him out!""

""There will be no emancipation for women anywhere on this planet until the Western domination of this planet is ended."
--Sunera Thobani, professor at the University of British Columbia, speaking at a feminist conference in Ottawa, October 1"

Also, a fan page for Lenny? (via Footprints)

4/11/01 - How to perform well at University Challenge:

"St Hugh's College, Oxford, was one of the best teams on this year's University Challenge, yet they rolled up with raging hangovers, having been up all night drinking and dancing. They played a blinder and, to their mild bafflement, went through to the next round. Then they decided they had to sober up. That was the end of their television careers."

31/10/01 - 'Teen Who Just Discovered Led Zeppelin Starting To Piss Off Friends': (via I Love Everything)

"It could be worse, I guess. He could've gotten into the Grateful Dead. Or Floyd. Just imagine if he walked around all day quoting Dark Side Of The Moon. Christ."

30/10/01 - It's an easy target, ripping on Cosmopolitan:

"The One Word He's Dying To Hear During Sex

"Daddy!" No? You know, I wonder why they don't just call this magazine "Sexually Inadequate Woman's Monthly". It seems to be the crowd they cater to.

REAL-LIFE READ
Her Fiancé Died at His Bachelor Party

I just know this isn't going to be as tawdry as I think it's going to be. It will not contain the words "He was smothered by giant breasts". Pity."

"Contrary to what your parents might have told you, fairies and pixies and leprechauns do not, in fact, exist. When you come home and you find that the pot of rice that you left sitting, covered up, on the stove for a week - and which is now empty and clean in the washing-up rack - has been cleaned by pixies. It wasn't pixies. It was me you bastard because I couldn't stand it any longer. Hint - look for the person clutching the newly-cleaned carving knife and muttering "I must not kill... I must not kill..." to himself over and over again."

29/10/01 - It's not just him:

"Maybe it's just me, but seeing Lee Greenwood back singing ``God Bless the USA'' makes me feel worse, not better, about the state of the nation after the Sept. 11 attacks."

"I bought a chador in the market. A jovial crowd of men gathered around, amused by the spectacle of a Western woman picking out such a non-Western item. They offered advice about color and quality. Purple was better than light green or the blue, they said. (I bought the purple.) Every writer wants the Cloak of Invisibility -- the power to see without being seen -- or so I was thinking as I donned the chador. But once I had put it on, I had an odd sense of having been turned into negative space, a blank in the visual field, a sort of antimatter -- both there and not there. Such a space has power of a sort, but it is a passive power, the power of taboo."

"Roy Wilder Jr. doesn't want the Earth and the moon tied up with two strands of bobwire, and he believes you should never insult an alligator until you've crossed the stream, but it vexes him that most southerners today don't know pea turkey about how to jaw like a native."

28/10/01 - How emo are you? (via Jejune)